Monday, April 06, 2009

Nie: on being alone

Lying on my bed tonight I type to the sound of the dryer pounding away. My room is musty. Mr. Nielson just bathed Jimmy tonight and he is now curled up near my side of the bed drying.
He stinks.

I returned home from another day at the hospital. My burn therapists and doctor examined my body like it were a piece of meat. Jabbing poking, peeling and smelling my wounds. My doctor spoke of my upcoming surgery in two weeks.
That news hurts my ears.
During the examination my eyes would sneak from my doctor to Mr. Nielson sitting near the bed I was laying on. He was there and that was all that mattered. I felt comfort in knowing he was there to help me make hard decisions and care for me the way I needed. I would never be alone with him near by. You know how sometimes you can be in a room with a million people and yet feel so alone. Never with My Mr. Nielson. And that is how it should be.
We are really good for eachother.
Sometimes we say the exact same things at the same time, like today we both said mouthwatering at the same exact time. Who says that word (besides a commercial for shrimp or something like that) let alone at the same time!?
It's awesome.

I got a plate of homemade oreo cookies today. It was a beautiful treat and they were delicious. My cousin Katie brought her famous chocolate/chocolate cookies yesterday. Another beautiful moment. But best of all, I got a hand-written note from her and favorite second cousin and one of my beloved friends announced their engagement. Very exciting. I hope I am invited to the wedding
(I'll come to NYC, I will!! on a train though)

Now, the children are in bed. It's my turn.
My mind will now reflect on life before me as I lay in the dark. I will think about my upcoming surgery. I will think about how I may be down for weeks. Burns are a very difficult balance. Just when you think you are making steps forward you take some back while you are at it. It makes me nervous thinking that all this progress I have made will have been for nothing being laid up with more surgery. But I am reminded and tenderly assured that I am not alone.
That is truth beyond measure.

I remember as our plane violently crashed to the ground, I tucked my head down on my knees and prayed. I was not alone then. I felt rather calm in a very troubled moment which seemed to last forever. The plane whistled fast downward and in my head I saw my children. I saw them laughing and smiling. It was touching in such a dramatic time yet another peaceful reminder that I was not alone then, and certainly not now.
I am grateful for my relationship with my Maker. He has preserved my life, given me a second chance and presented me with new challenges that I am ready to face here on this beautiful earth. All that I am is for my children and for my husband but espcially to my Father in heaven. I am trying to live selfless in a selfish world and it is hard, espcially when I'm the one with the problems.
I feel your thoughts and prayers and I certainly know I am never, ever alone.
Thank you.