Monday, April 06, 2009

Nie: on being alone

Lying on my bed tonight I type to the sound of the dryer pounding away. My room is musty. Mr. Nielson just bathed Jimmy and he is now curled up near my side of the bed drying out. He stinks. I returned home from another day at the hospital. My burn therapists and doctor examined my body like it was a piece of meat. Jabbing poking, peeling, and even smelling my wounds. Dr. Saffle spoke of my upcoming surgery which will be in two weeks. That news hurts my ears because I don't want to go back.  I don't want to be in any more pain. During the examination, my eyes would sneak from my doctor to Mr. Nielson, who was sitting near the bed that I was lying on. He was there with me and that was all that mattered at that moment. I felt comfort in knowing he was there to help me make hard decisions and care for me the way I needed. I would never be alone with him nearby. You know how sometimes you can be in a room with a million people and yet feel so alone. Never with my Mr. Nielson! And that is how it should be. We are really good for each other. Sometimes we say the exact same things at the same time, like today when we both said mouthwatering at the same exact time. Who says that word (besides a commercial for shrimp or something like that), let alone at the same time!? It's awesome. Today I was kindly given a plate of homemade oreo cookies by my cousin Katie. It was a beautiful treat and they were delicious. I got a hand-written note from my friend, Kimberly Calder who is marrying my second cousin, Ryan Simmons.  Very exciting. I hope I am invited to the wedding (I'll come to NYC, I will!! On a train though).  Now that the children are in bed, my mind reflects on life as I lay in the dark. I think about my upcoming surgery, and how I may be down for weeks. Burns are very difficult because you have to have just the right balance with everything, and just when you think you are making steps forward you take start taking steps back.  It makes me nervous thinking that all this progress I have made in PT will have been for nothing as I lay still after my upcoming surgery. But I am reminded and tenderly assured that I am not alone. Sometimes I reflect on the plane crash and it terrifies me.  I remember as our plane violently crashed to the ground, I tucked my head down in between my knees and prayed. I was not alone then. I felt rather calm in a very troubled moment that seemed to last forever. The plane whistled fast downward and in my head, I saw my children. I saw them laughing and smiling. It was a calm scene in such a dramatic time, and yet another peaceful reminder that I was not alone then, and certainly not now. I am grateful for my relationship with my Maker. He has preserved my life, given me a second chance, and presented me with new challenges that I am ready to face here on this beautiful earth. All that I am is for my children and for my husband but especially for my Father in heaven. I am trying to live selfless in a selfish world and it is hard, especially when I'm the one with the problems. I feel your thoughts and prayers and I certainly know I am never, ever alone. Thank you.