Thursday, October 21, 2021

When We Were Young

Yesterday, while running errands, I noticed the cutest little towhead boy.
It took my breath away as I watched him run around and laugh, 
his wispy white hair blowing in the breeze.
This little dude was the spitting image of Nicholas-
my little Nicholas, as I knew him before the accident. 
It was the way he ran, the way he laughed, the way he pointed,
the way he rolled around the grass, and even his clothes reminded me of Gigs.  
Then I started to cry because I was taken back to the 2008 pre-accident days
living in Arizona with four small children.
I don't want to go back to 2008, and I am grateful and proud
of where I am now, but my goodness, how those few minutes affected me.
They made me feel things hidden deep in my
heart, protected from the pain and guilt I felt after the accident because I 
was incapable of mothering for a season, and I'll never get those days back.
For about a year, I was 
incapable of being much of a mother to him, 
 and he grew up so fast.
Change is inevitable, and it happens to everyone.
Of course, Nicholas would grow up whether I had an accident or not.
But for a moment, I remembered Gigs as my little
dude and me as a young mommy,
which was fun. And sad, too.
Then I had Adele's singing "When We Were Young"
in my head for the rest of the day.
"I was so scared to face my fears
Nobody told me that you'd be here...
Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old..."

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