Friday, January 11, 2019


Last night I dreamt someone was crying, and I couldn't find them.
It was horrible.
Then I woke up to find Angus under my bed, stuck and whimpering.
 I got on my hands and knees and 
slowly pulled his
 two furry hind legs out until he was free.
He licked my face, circled five times around my sheepskin rug,
then settled back down, and seconds later, he was asleep.
I was jealous.  It took me a little longer to doze off because
my mind was now up and alert and racing.
I was replaying some of the scenes from the day.
Usually, when this happens, my mind only remembers the parts of 
the day when I failed.
Like when I packed the worst lunch (hostess cupcake, chips, and water)
for the Little Nies (our refrigerator has been broken since New Year's Eve,
I haven't been to the store in ages).
Or when Lottie kneed me really hard on my back during scripture study
and I lost my patience with her.
  Her brown eyes filled up with tears, and I immediately felt so guilty
of being a terrible horrible mother.
Then I thought about when I picked up Clane almost 20 minutes
later than I said I'd be there.
I drove up to the school to find them freezing with the wind blowing 
their hair in all directions.  (The school locks the door when the bell rings).
 I thought about my shortcomings, failed dinners,
dishes in the sink, my family, the many issues I struggle with,
and how I fall short of who and what I want to become.
Then as if heaven sent words of wisdom straight to my ears in the dark
of the night, one of my favorite quotes
 came to mind by Patricia R. Holland:
“If I were Satan and wanted to destroy a society, I think I would
 stage a full blown blitz on its women. 
I would keep them so distraught and distracted that they would never
find the calming strength and serenity for which 
their sex has always been known. 
He has effectively done that, catching us in the crunch of trying
 to be superhuman instead of realistically striving to reach our 
individual purpose and unique God-given potential within such diversity."
I changed my thinking and fell asleep counting
the positive things that happened instead-
no matter how silly or small:
I connected with some of my family members in Utah,
I read to Charlotte, and I spent time at the park throwing
the ball for Angus with just Oliver, I sat down and actively listened to Jane
tell me an experience she had in school, I played with Claire's hair, and I 
helped Nicholas clean out his new hedgehog habitat.
I'm trying.
And "we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed."

Spiritual Enlightenment:

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