My hands were still recovering
and wrapped in tan compression garments and bandages at that time.
Writing was quite painful, and as a result, my handwriting was barely legible.
Before bed, I wrote down my frustrated thoughts in my journal,
and this is what I wrote:
"I really want to go to the bathroom by myself- without any help.
I really want to change Gigs' diaper by myself- without any help.
I want to look at myself and be OK with what I see.
I really want the kids to sit by me and not stare at me like I'm a stranger.
I want to get down on the floor and play toys with them.
I realize I need to have the courage to try and work hard.
I must be willing to fail and try again without losing it.
I seem to cry and scream a lot these days.
I need to keep trying and failing until I am strong enough to succeed.
I can do this.
I am grateful for where I am now and for the lessons I have learned in the past.
I am also thankful for the lessons I am currently learning.
Looking at myself in the mirror now, I can give myself a thumbs up,
and I'm OK.