Nicholas burned his finger today. It was heart-breaking.
Of course, I know of his pain and felt helpless.
His tears carried on for hours and his only solace was a baggie of ice.
I carried the boys to bed and lay with them as I always do.
My mind often wanders as I lay and wait for my boys to fall asleep.
Tonight in my thoughts I walked down my hallway in my Mesa home.
I was carrying laundry and toys in a basket.
I walked past the boy's room and picked up a few toys on the carpet.
Nicholas sat in front of his large window playing his mini-piano
while Ollie made train tracks from a large basket.
I walked further down past my yellow office/guest room. My computer was open
and a few stickie notes was still attached to the screen.
The bed was made perfectly and the carpet vacuumed.
Next was the girls room. The beds were not made.
I lay down the basket and made their beds. Again perfect.
Then I put away toys and clothes, opened the blinds, turned around, and smiled. Perfect.
Then I passed the bathroom. The towels folded nicely and everything sparkled clean.
It's old and dated, but at least it's clean.
Next, I entered my room.
My beautiful white bedspread lay over our 4-post bed.
In my closet, all my clothes were in perfect order with Christian's work
clothes in the hamper.
I noticed a note places on my dresser, "good morning darling"
it read. It was from Mr. Nielson before he left for work.
I never made it to the other rooms because Nicholas's ice pack fell down
and he started shaking his hand wildly in the air.
I fixed the ice and lay back down next to him with tears dripping down my face
My heart hurt and I was lonely for my once-perfect life.
I missed my old home, neighbors, friends, and my face.
Finally, I slipped out of bed leaving the boys snoring peacefully, and walked up to my room.
As I walked up the stairs I noticed toys spread all over the floor with garbage,
and popsicle sticks on the ground.
Just a few short months ago this would have not been acceptable.
But now things have changed and I don't have the energy I did.
My life is not perfect but I am alive.
And sure, I miss the almost perfect life I once had.