Monday, June 08, 2020

Pure Magic

How do you say goodbye to a brother?
How do you write something that will honor him and 
convey feelings in the most tender parts of your heart and soul?
I don't think it is even possible.
With Topher's diagnosis of ALS we knew this day would come,
but it never seemed like it was really going to happen, and then
one late night the phone rang and that was the end.
And that's how it was.

Earlier last week I felt so uneasy and deep down I think
I knew it was the Spirit preparing my heart.
So I began writing down ALL the memories I had remembered
with Topher...so many memories.
My list grew longer and longer as the day went on, and today
my list grows still.  I am so grateful we had those times together.
After we moved Topher was always so good at reaching out to me,
and to let me know what was going on with his health.
We'd video call and then when his speech became slurred we began texting, 
and he was really good at that since he had fancy glasses that could
type words into a computer screen attached to his phone. 
He was always so upbeat and so funny!  
I seriously never thought he'd die.
While my siblings were saying their goodbyes
to Topher in Utah, I was walking around the Home Depot parking lot in Durham
sobbing and praying out loud while my Nies had dinner at a nearby restaurant.
Topher left us that night under a full magnificent strawberry moon.
My heart is heavy and it hurts.
Life won't be the same without him.
In our family, he was the funny one. 
He was clever.
He was a unifier.
He was compassionate.
He was talented.
He was creative.
He was pure MAGIC.
I will miss him deeply.

I hope he gets a glimpse of the impact he had on people
because it was beyond huge.
My heart is heavy as I think about his children;
Miles, Owen, Phoebe, Hugh, Margaret, and
 especially his love Lisa.

But my heart rejoices in the plan that we will be with Topher again.
Christ said:  "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."
Once Topher wrote me a letter on my 30th birthday:
"You will see that being in your 30's is just like being in your 20's-
you just don't feel as much pressure to be awesome all of the time.
It's a great time to focus on the important thins:
 raising your kids and watching TV."
Christopher played Paul in the Bible videos produced by the Church.

I love you, Christopher Layton Clark!