Tuesday, August 09, 2016


There is a file on my computer that Christian created named:"DO NOT LOOK AT". 
Inside the folder are photographs of me in the Arizona Burn Center.
They are photos taken of my body and my burns seconds after
 I arrived to the burn center on August 16th, 2008,
and they get worse as the date continues on.
Each day I was photographed by the nurses to document my progress.
The photos show how the fire destroyed my face, arms, hands, legs, back 
and healthy skin erasing my freckles in the process.
Its very graphic...or so I hear.
Christian has strongly urged me to NOT look at the photos.  
Years ago, I asked the hospital for my medical records- photos and all.
I've read a lot of about my amazing miracle, my life-saving care and
 nightmare recovery, but haven't seen any photos of myself.
I know they they will be really hard to look at, but for some reason
 I really really want to see them.
But then again, I don't really really want to know 
what I looked like during those months.
I think it would be really be hard on me.
My face was pretty much completely burned off.
I keep waiting until I am stronger, but I don't know if that will ever happen.
I don't know if I am brave enough.
The other night while Lucy and Andrew were up for dinner, 
we happened to hear about another burn survivor.  
Some of his photographs are available to look at online.
We saw a few photos and then I couldn't look anymore, and
Christian became emotional and made me promise him again
that I wouldn't look at the photos in the folder on the computer named:
I said I promised...for now anyway.  
I bet there will be a time when I will be ready to see the photos.
I have come so far and have been through so much, and
when I am ready, I know it will be a triumph for me.
As we get closer to the 8th anniversary of the accident, my 
mind thinks a lot about that day.  
I really am so grateful that I am alive, no matter what I look like.
And that is all I can say about that.