Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Worth every single tear.

(baby Lottie, Dr. L, and me 2012)
I got a phone call from Dr. L while I was in church.
It always nice to hear from that guy.
I wasn't able to get to the phone because I was in church
 (and Dr. L wont leave a message)
 so I stepped out to call him back.
When I did call him back he asked me why I wasn't at church.
Then I asked him why he wasn't at church.
Anyway, he was just calling to tell me that he thought I looked great.
Being a plastic surgeon, I am sure he sees his share of grotesque things,
so I was so grateful he called out of the blue to tell me that.
I asked him if he thought I should see those first photos of myself, the ones
they took of me the day of and days following the accident-
when I looked the worst.
"No, sweetie, that wasn't you"
I think I may have teared up on the phone as I paced the church parking lot.
"I mean, that was you, but not the real you- that was just your body"
I knew what he meant just fine. 
Then he said with a chuckle:
"Let me put it this way, a Mormon would need to take up
drinking in order to view those photos, they were pretty bad"
We both had a good laugh, and I thanked him for calling.

Sometimes I wish my body were just a costume that I could unzip
and run away from.  Sometimes I still look in the mirror and cry.
It's still hard.  But I only let myself whine for a few minutes
(maybe collapse in Mr. Nielson's arms)
then I pick myself up,
and then I work on moving forward.
It's the people in my life who help me move forward.
It's Dr. L, Mr. Nielson, my family, my children, perfect strangers
from around the world, and of course God.
We all have trials, hard times, pain and suffering.  And it's really hard.
Sometimes life is really hard.
But life is worth every single tear, I promise.