Monday, October 28, 2013

Straight Fingers

I try not to complain too much about my life.  
I have serious up and downs, but mostly I have normal days.  
But today I am going to complain...a little.
Last night I made our family spaghetti for dinner.
Last night I spent a good 30 minutes on the floor picking it up, 
particularly under Lottie's chair.
No big deal, except try picking up slippery messy spaghetti 
with fingers that don't bend.
{serious, try it- or even better, try buttoning up your shirts}
I think that calls for some complaining.
I thought that I would pick up some of the mess under her chair 
while she ate rather than all at once when the job is really overwhelming. 
I don't know about you, but when my children see me on my hands and knees,
 they think I am being an adorable pony and they try and and get a ride.
That's frustrating when you are already frustrated.
As I was cleaning red noodles off the ground, 
{and shooing children off my back}
Charlotte was dropping more spaghetti- except it was going mostly in my hair...
{at least that was easier to clean up}.

Sometimes I get really frustrated and it was just one of those days.
Sometimes, usually at night when I am in bed and my life quiets down, I think.
Lots of times I think about my physical limitations, body image, 
and the pain that fills those spaces.
I feel sorry for myself, then I cry, and then I snap out of it because 
its my choice and I can.
I think it's OK to feel sad sometimes.  
It's OK to cry and complain, but I have found that dwelling on something
 for long periods of time
{especially in a dark room} is a horrible way to live.  
And I have found since it's my choice to decide how I am going to live,
 I have chosen to be happy.
From the beginning of my recovery, I always was going to define my own path.
Just because I met other burn survivors who had similar injuries as mine
didn't mean I would be just like them, or look like them, or act like them.
I was grateful for their love, advice, and support, 
but I wanted to do this my own way. 
When I show my support or talk to other burn survivors, I love telling them that 
no one can tell them how they are going to live.  They can choose that.
No matter how far off it may seem or how 
totally unreachable it may be at the time.
I know of a lot of amazing people who endured pain and disappointment much worse
than me, who are absolutely living life beautifully!
I think I'll choose to be grateful for my straight fingers instead of frustrated.
I think it's pretty amazing that I can even
pick up spaghetti off the floor, when I almost didn't even have fingers.


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