Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Remembering harder times...

{Jane, 7- self portrait 2010}

I was thinking about the time I was in the hospital for Christmas.
My accident still so fresh,{4 1/2 months old} and I was so very weak.
I was sad and disappointed.
I was in constant pain and tears.
It hardly felt like Christmas to me.
I missed my children.

I missed smelling their hair when I hugged them, clipping their nails,
seeing their morning eyes when I fed them breakfast.
I missed the simple; showers, touching, brushing my teeth, stretching, and smiling.
I had the faith that I was going to get better, I knew there was light shinning
before me, but I couldn't stop wishing for the past. It was dragging me down and making it
almost impossible to get better.

Then my children came to visit for the first time in almost 5 months,
and none of them recognized me.
Jane took it the worst.
I felt guilty, ugly, and worst of all-a bad mother.
The job I had wanted to become all my life-a mother, was being
taken away from me, and that is when I decided I had nothing left to live for.
Then I said a prayer that literally lasted almost 2 hours.
Constant pleading, asking, bargaining- all I wanted was to be a mother again.
I'd do anything!!

Lighting didn't strike my hospital room and angels didn't
appear blowing trumpets.
I just felt peace. It was warm, comforting, and soft.
I was relived. I knew that life wouldn't change over night,
but I was promised I would be happy and I'd see
progress everyday in some way or another.

As long as I could remember and reflect on that feeling I had in my
dark hospital bed with tears streaming down my checks,
I knew everything would be just fine.

Jane eventually looked at me-
I started doing yoga again stretching and reaching-
I can brush my own teeth {and children's if I need too}
I can do my own hair-
Put make-up on-
I can pull my pants up, go to the bathroom by myself-
Kneel down to pray-
Feed my family, and
I smile every single day- because there is always something to smile about.
And now I have life growing healthy inside me.

{Nicholas and I hanging out together March 2009.
My legs up with compression garments under my jammies.
My feel so swollen and I still so stiff, this is about all
the "fun" we had those days. }