Thursday, August 05, 2010

To Mr. Nielson; Letters (a very long one) to Bluewater

(Remember us on the airplane and I fell asleep on your chest and
drooled on your shirt and stained it? yum yum!
photo taken in May 2010)

Dear My Mr. Nielson,

I thought about when I first started calling you that. It was after I had our almost 10 pound Nicholas, do you remember that evening? I had gotten to bed late because I decided around 11:00 that night that I really did smell like breast milk and needed a shower.
I took a nice hot bath hoping Nicholas would sleep long enough so I could bathe then cuddle up to your magnificent body, even if you had long before checked out into dreamland.
Sleeping next to a warm body-your warm body was going to be like heaven to me.
Of course Nicholas woke up literally 5 seconds after I began spooning you.
Honestly, I think babies have some sort of instincts that can sense if their parents are even thinking of doing more that just kissing.

So, I crawled out of bed picked my my sweetie-pie-father-look-a-like-baby boy and took him into the other room to watch a movie. Then, I remembered my favorite movie of all time..."Emma". Emma who is played by Gwyneth Paltrow tells the man she hates so much she falls in love with him and then she tragically discovers she loves him so much and decides to fess up. She looks at him with passion and says:
"I do love you Mr. Knightly...MY Mr. Knightly."
So at 2:00 am, when the movie finished. I decided you were ever so dear to my heart that you can't only be Mr. Nielson, but MY Mr. Nielson. And thus it is so.

As you read this letter, you are probably swinging on the lovely porch swings Boss Nielson made. I can picture you; your hair disheveled and blowing slightly in the wind. I bet a dark fluffy cloud has just settled over the ranch house. I bet Ollie has made something out of sticks all the while is dying to kill a rattlesnake and I bet he and Jack never separate.
I bet Nicholas is laying on your lap as you swing, he is falling asleep! Right?
And as for the girls, I don't trust Claire alone on the ATV. Let them stay up late talking with cousins and eat sugary cereals. This is what the ranch is about-letting your hair down and making non-stop memories. Speaking of hair, be sure that Jane is washing her hair daily. In fact, make sure the kids are bathing once everyday!!

I tripped over the black stool in the kitchen about hummmmm 50 times. I thought of you every time. Because whenever one of us does that, we laugh and the one (usually me) who trips over it more than 3 times can say a swear word too. It's just natural. I think my big toe has a sensor to my brain and whenever it gets stubbed, bumped or cut the sensor goes crazy and I swear. It just happens. Weird hu.

Tonight when I crawled in my bed I opened up the windows. It was so quiet dark and still.
Then I went from silence to full-blown bawling in 5 seconds flat.
I just let myself let it out. I had a good solid cry. I cried and cried for a good 1/2 hour. I cried out loud which (I believe is healthier anyway and) felt fantastic.
I was crying because I replayed all the strange looks I get from people during day, the rude comments, the fact that I am slightly handicapped and not beautiful as I once was. I cried because I ran into a dear cousin who I'd not seen since the accident and it was so hard.
I know that sounds very self-centered right now.
I am happy to report that I am not crying anymore. (right now anyway.)
I am going to lay in bed and dream of you and that spot at the ranch that we found among all the juniper trees and patches of beautiful high yellow grass.
Lucky for us that day, we had a blanket (wink, wink).
The big sky is unbelievable there. Take some pictures for me will you babe?
I miss you. I will dream about you.

And then I will dream of you and me holding hands walking up the road.
The road will be all black except the stars and the moon showing us along road.
I will trust you and your hand to lead me along safely.
You will take me to that spot where the lonely tree is- in the middle of the land where we will lay down. I will tell you how much I love you. I will whisper in your ear why I love you, then
m a y b e give you a wet-willy while I am at it.
But then, I will tell you how you have fulfilled so many of my dreams. Then I will tell you that the dreams I have left to do are all going to be with you.
I nestle in your armpit as we lay on our backs looking up at the universe.
Then I will say:
"Somewhere up there we still have: Charlotte, Evelyn, Gabriel, and maybe a few others waiting to be a part of our family.
They are waiting for somewhere up in heaven.
Then I will probably cry and say something like:
"What if I can never have all the babies I want? Then, I fear I will be heart-broken".
Then you will whisper something my my ear that will make me laugh and believe all the promises you say.
Remember when you used to write me love letters and poems? Will you please get very inspired while you are in the beautiful New Mexico country and write me something that will make me blush?

Yours always,
Stephanie Aurora

(Remember this is me sleeping on your chest on the airplane)