Monday, May 25, 2009


I just received a phone call from my dear brother in law Andrew, who reports that Lucy is in labor. I love imagining Lucy at the farm house giving birth to her daughter Besty Aurora (named after yours truly).

I have thought several times this month that if I use the accident's time to a pregnancy, my baby would be due this month. Then only joy would come about...even those late night nursings are far better than late night pain.
But alas, its not true.
No cuddly baby to hold, nurse and love. Just questions, frustrations and grief. But that's that. Enough of that 'woe is me' crap.

Today I:
Enjoyed watching the girls lay in the sun sprawled out on the trampoline. The sun shinning and warming their bodies.

Nic and Ollie sat in the garden like cabbage-patch dolls...of course Gigs was naked.

Page came down to clean my house for me.

And Mr. Nielson made me whole wheat waffles with blueberry's and strawberry's atop with warm maple syrup.

Let me talk about Mr. Nielson for awhile.
Mr. Nielson thinks I am cool. He told me so. He also tells me he loves me every hour of the day. Our relationship has changed a lot since we moved in together again in February. Our bodies very different but our hearts the same. Lots and lots of love.
Most days I look in the mirror and cringe at what I see. I have a whole reconstructed nose, platypus lips and discoloring.
Call me vain, but it hurts.
No longer do I have the freckles and natural rosy cheeks. My hair is still short and scars cover a good portion of my face.
Dr. Coates in the burn unit said to me at my latest appointment;
"This too shall pass"
I wanted to slap her. How does she know. I turned bitter. But I still think about it, so I must have actually needed to hear that so I don't want to slap her anymore.

Mr. Nielson sees these trials in my life and loves me just the same. He has never stopped. Daily we talk about the accident sometimes sarcastic and sometimes serious.
Today was serious.
He recalled when he had woken up from the coma, everybody wanted to know what happened. Who was flying? Why did we crash? Was the plane out of power? And he didn't want to tell anyone anything except for me. He felt out of control and misunderstood. He told me he needed his "wifey".
Days after he woke up, he begged to see me. The nurses stabilized Mr. Nielson well enough so he could be wheeled to my room. I lay bandaged up like a mummy with eight different apparatuses keeping me alive and there he talked. He let everything out.
Of course I don't remember our visits while I slept but I know he mustered everything he could to get to me everyday so we could "chat".
I will never know what it was like for him day after day in tears seeing the love of his life the woman who bore him children, fed him the best meals of his life ( I might add) lay silent for so long while in a coma.
Why we go through hardship is something that is necessary. Life wasn't meant to be easy, we all know that one. Despite all the junk I deal with everyday, I still have Mr. Nielson. We are still alive, laughing at funny movie lines, kissing children, watching weekend mindless television and eating at Cafe Rio for goodness sake.
He will love me even if I don't. He will kiss me when I cry. He will (and does) jump for joy when I wake up in a good mood.
He is the best.
So even though my "baby" should be due this month he gently reminds me to press forward as a pregnant elephant.
For their gestation period is 22 months.