Monday, May 18, 2009

Big plans

Typing this entry for my dialogues, I feel my mind flowing with thoughts.

Outside I see the mountain snow run-off barreling down the gutter in front of my house. Reminds me of my care-free days of my youth. We would make boats out of leaves and start at the top of the street and follow the gutter to the end. Running as fast as we could to keep up with the swift, cold water.

Now, I would give anything to be able to run at all.

This past week has been very hard. Pain has invaded my life and some days I wonder if it will ever end. Chronic pain has got to be the worst trial. Oh how I wish everyone for health. Oh! How important a strong body is. Keep eating your 9-grain in the morning...seriously guys seriously.

Speaking of healthy bodies, I think my body has been deprived of my vaNIElla cupcakes at the sweet tooth bakery. I haven't had one in days. I need one-or a dozen. They make me happy and that is a good thing right now. Anything to get me through these days....anything.

Last night I called for my girls to join me in my bed for a chat. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at my daughters. Such gorgeous things. I told them how sorry I was, how sorry I was that the airplane crashed. I wept. They looked stunned at my boldness. Claire patted my head softy and Jane wrapped her arms around me. There were no words, just tears.

I told them that I would never ever let anything like that disturb our family again.

I won't.

Then we all linked pinkies to reinforce the very powerful, very serious pinkie promise. Then we smiled and my pain felt lifted. As they jumped off my bed to retire to there own, I told them I loved them and that Heavenly Father has big plans for our family, and we need not worry just trust in Him. Jane looked at me and said;
"Is that why the airplane fell out of the sky? Did he do that?"
"Yes-well no" I slowly answered, a little confused myself "but He saved our lives and that was the beginning of the part of our big plan. We are in the middle of it right now and It is going to get easier."
I heard myself mimicking exactly what my Mom had just told me earlier and now I believed it.

I had too.

My pain, heartache and confusion have led me to state of mind that all is lost, but when I look into my children's eyes I see my Savior and I know that it is not lost, it is just the beginning of a "big plan" for us.
I hope the big plan includes lots of cupcakes. I have a feeling it will.

I picked out paint colors for the chairs. I am going to surprise you all (and Mom) and show you when we are done.
Also, this week my Father Stephen (my namesake) is announcing his candidacy for Provo City Mayor. To all you Provo citz's: I need your help and your vote. More details later.