Sunday, April 26, 2009

Words I live by.

Surgery is over...for now. Doctors want me back to do the second part of this skin release-on my neck in a few days. For now, I am home and resting. I have a vac-pump hooked to my neck. I have to carry it around everywhere I go. If I just pretend it is my new baby, it seems OK. (whatever gets me through...right?!)
This morning I awoke to rain. It was a beautiful sight. Green is creeping its way up to the mountains behind the house.
Mr. Nielson made me usual oatmeal/flax breakfast accompanied by orange juice and brown cow yogurt (granola on top) It is what gets me up in the morning.
Oliver brings my pills with water. He has for the past 3 weeks made sure I have my pills. He has taken on this responsibility without knowing it. It is sub-consciously his roll in this interrupted life we lead each day. Somethings I can always count on: Mr. Nielson, family, the sun coming up, prayer and Ollie bringing me pills.
Tonight at dinner, I watched sister Lucy walk around the house. Her baby moves a lot inside her little tummy causing Lucy to feel rather uncomfortable.
I wished I were her.

Lucy holding Gigs Thanksgiving day 2008
A new baby, a new life coming her way. She has much to look forward too and little to worry about. I then thought about my cousin Katie, who just had a new beautiful baby girl-Penelope. I became excited for her as she gets to embark on life with a daughter.
I realized I was again, feeling sorry for myself.

I sat down by Dad with tears in my eyes. Without me having to say anything, he looked me straight in the eyes and said
"Everything is under control, don't you worry, it is all under control"
Then I felt better.
Somebody is controlling this.
I am not alone.
This is my life and my test.

Dad and Oliver Easter eve 2008
Someday I will be pregnant again, someday I will love the way I look, someday I will be able to use my legs and play on the floor with my kids, someday I will wear my old clothes, sleep, dance, hold a baby, snuggle Mr. Nielson until he screams, make my bed, pray on my knees because:

Everything is under control.

thanks Dad.