Monday, March 23, 2009

A mother.

Last week was hard. I mean like every breath was painful with sadness and depression and I was feeling slightly misunderstood.
When the sun fades my heart sinks. Nights are hard.
One night in particular was hard. Looking in the mirror gives me instant frustration because the questions begin in my head like: Who am I? Is this what I will look like forever? Will I ever truly love the way I look again? Do I love myself? Then I cry. Then Mr. Nielson holds me tight and repeats loving and calming words that slowly work their way in.
A cry downstairs. Must be Nicholas. I look at Mr. Nielson and tell him I really want to go and put him back to dreamland. My boys devour Christian all day long like he were a ice cream cone. They can never get enough. I used to be that ice cream cone. The accident changed that. Getting Ollie to hug me is like pulling teeth. Nicholas wont have anything to do with me so when he began to cry I jumped at the opportunity to lay beside him.
Tears dropped as I walked down the stairs to the boys room- anything could happen. He could scream for his Dad or mom (lucy) and push me away. Inside Nicholas sat up next to a sleeping brother (who by the way was wearing a Zorro mask) I lay beside him on he bed repeating soft words to him just as Mr. Nielson had done for me moments earlier.
Nicholas cuddled up to me. He stopped crying. I was shocked. For a moment I felt like myself-a mother. I think that cured our relationship.
Just today he asked for his mommy then curled up on my lap, rubbed my scar filled face and said to me:
"bites mommy...ouch"
Now he likes me. Just like that. It just takes one day at a time.
Saturday I woke up and I was happy. My body felt like it was full of sunshine. No pain. I got up early and said my prayers then I turned on my music and opened the blinds. I ate breakfast with Nicholas while the other sleepy-heads slowly walked up the stairs for their morning nutrients.
Again it happened, I felt like a mother.

It's coming back.